i'll try to get out but i never will

Now

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:31:06 GMT

I feel like I'm a sore thumb, dysfunctional among the rest of fingers. Or a weed amidst a field of pretty daisies abloom during spring's best day. Or just somewhere I can't find a role to play. It's so easy for me to feel like I'm sticking out, that I have no real place when everybody else has theirs. The extra, the understudy that is never called. Of course this is only how I feel. Maybe it's not true. But there's a lot of delusion that comes along with emotions and all there is to do is to let yourself feel, and realize what truth you hold in your hand eventually.

There is a lot of anxiety and I just wish they would all just go away. I find that sometimes, to be okay is too much to ask for.

Nomination

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 09:18:38 GMT

It's been a year since I found happiness in its purest form. It was knowing that somewhere, and in some ways, people believed in what I want myself to believe. I know how that feels, because I experienced it and it never left me. But that moment was irreplaceable. The happiness of that precise second was something nobody ever had and nobody will ever have, not even me because there is no repetition in this world. But given the chance, I would never deny myself of having that again. But maybe, I have to explore other paths, not just for myself, but also because someone out there also deserves that shot I took, and eventually recognize that sometimes, when a shot backfires, it's absolutely worth the effort.

So this entry is due to the nomination I received from snoogumx for the Candy Teen Blog Awards 2009. I am in deep gratitude for at least knowing that someone still regards me worthy to join, but I'm giving up my personal interests for this one, hoping I can find happiness in another form -- witnessing someone else's.

Thank you snoogumx!

Yeehaw

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:19:38 GMT

Hello everyone! As you might have guessed, or witnessed, I've been pretty much in a pickle. A blog pickle. A life pickle. And that is, needless to say, that I hate pickles. I never understood the reasons for which people like buying jars of pickles and snacking through life one pickle at a time. My friends here on LiveJournal will know that my blog is currently in a technological seizure, with which it cannot function due to abnormal brain activity. My brain inactivity, that is. This might as well be dead, actually. But, it is a well-known fact that people run out of pickles, until the next jar comes along. (Although given the freedom to choose, I'd much rather have pickles on a cheeseburger than a jar with nothing but it.) So I'm leaving this here, while I do my part and eat as much pickles as possible until there is none.

My non-friends, the random visitors of this blog, might have thought this emptiness in terms of secrecy and privacy. No, because sad to say, I have nothing to keep from you these days. As a matter of fact, I have nothing to tell. Thus, this.

Here's the problem. I can't get myself to write, because there is nothing appealing enough in my life to draw observations from and have eurekas about. I've been reading books lately, and something tells me I should just create something, like all these books I have shelved in my brain. But here's another pickle I have to eat: I don't have the same guts as these authors and my imagination, which I thought was vast enough to create something interesting, could only bounce back and forth on the walls of my sorry mind.

Now, I'm still quite full to digest anything so sleep should be a good alternative.

Rome

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 12:23:19 GMT

I want to chase pigeons in Rome.

Tired

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Sat, 30 May 2009 13:57:43 GMT

Everything feels like a burden. Everything feels like something to do but something I can't do.

X-Roads

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Mon, 25 May 2009 15:02:14 GMT

I feel like I'm in a crossroad and I don't know where I'm headed although I thought I had it all figured out. I can blame it on the TV series, Greek, but I wouldn't have felt for the characters if it weren't real for me too.

I'm craving for an entry. This is not an entry.

Zoom

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Fri, 08 May 2009 11:33:09 GMT

I live a life not lived.

Hit And Miss

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Mon, 04 May 2009 06:55:37 GMT

I sorely miss it here but like you, I don't know when I'll be back like old time's sake.

It Happens

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 09:55:23 GMT

I may not be able to predict nor control the future but let me at least be able to control myself.

An Open Note

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 15:22:23 GMT

For most of my life, I've been too scared, of anything. But little by little, I learned that it doesn't do me any good. And mostly, it's because of you. It wasn't just courage, but more than that, it was being okay with what scares you. Learning how to wrap your head around something. For months, I thought I was losing all that's left but all it took was to watch, and to listen, for some other source. I knew you were always just there. Sometimes I needed to find you, and when I do, there's an unusual feeling of relief that I can still be scared and find you at the other end, telling me it's alright because you're there to be with me when I am. I know, sometimes, you're scared too but you took some part of me with you, remember? You will never be alone, forgotten, unloved. Three impossibilities I know I've always been scared of. And again, it's okay. I always needed to be reassured, but just by being you, you have shielded me from these fears. And I hope I can do the same for you.

That's why it's okay.

I'll Be Back

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 03:53:41 GMT

Somewhere along the lines, I have forgotten that I have this, that I created this due to my supposedly undying passion to write and the burning fervor to live trying to get better at it. That I have this because I can write on it, and just be. But these days, I have found myself grasping for other reasons, feeling that I have lost desire for the ones that have fueled me the most before. It feels like I'm losing hold of the things that have kept me hanging. The passion has weakened, and I too, have.

I want to believe that this is just a phase, that it's bound to come back in greater heights, burning brighter. But I'll try, cause I don't want to lose more of the little that's left.

"We are seldom happy with what we now have, but would go to pieces if we lost any part of it."

Sucks To Be

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 08:33:39 GMT

When you have an inferiority complex, you want to be great in everything you do.

But then, you don't really feel inferior for no reason at all, do you.

Props To God

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 07:34:21 GMT

My grades have been good to me. They were nowhere near my expectations but unfortunately, no matter how miraculous they all were, the overall result was simply heartbreaking. I came close to a dream, one that I have been chasing for quite sometime. I was close, but being close, if anything, always just serves its duty of shoving the truth that you still haven't got what you're looking for. It's a follow up question, never the answer.

However, I'm lucky enough. And I always have to be thankful for the rare moments I have it.

Or So Help Me

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 08:28:43 GMT

I want to promise an entry just so I have a force to reckon with when I'm too lazy to make one but I don't know where this promise will take me because even desire can't get me writing.

Let's see what happens when school ends and I am temporarily paper-free.

Band Meme

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 04:53:29 GMT

Got this from unclean_slate.

Band is Solar Panels on Spacecraft. Album title is You Are Really A Wise Man.

---

To do this:
1. Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
- The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2. Go to "Random Quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
- The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3. Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
- Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

* Credits to PaperTissue on Flickr for the photo.

Let's See

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:23:54 GMT

I miss it here. I don't write anymore and that's mainly because nothing is happening. It's either I'm a zombie by day or a vegetable by night. I'm trying here.

You'll Come Around

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 10:59:22 GMT

Found this somewhere in cyberspace.

1. Answer each of the questions below using Flickr Search.
2. Choose a photo from the first three pages.
3. Copy the URL of your favorite photo into this site: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php.
4. Then share with the world.

1. First Name
2. Favorite Food
3. Hometown
4. Favorite Color
5. Celebrity Crush
6. Favorite Drink
7. Dream Vacation
8. Favorite Dessert
9. What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
10. What I Love Most In The World
11. One Word That Describes Me
12. My LiveJournal Name

1. leslie, 2. Life is like a box of chocolates....., 3. Manila Nights, 4. Good Morning Monday Blues, 5. Stephen Colletti, 6. Serendipity Frozen Hot Chocolate, 7. 15, 8. icecream., 9. Enjoy summer (and beer), 10. bookshelf spectrum, revisited, 11. THE SKY'S LOOKING BRIGHTER [explored!], 12. I Wish...

Because 4 Days From Now I Don't Want To Hear About It

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:00:41 GMT

This is a presumptive reaction towards seventeen going eighteen years of this month's fourteenth being just another ordinary day, if not worse. I just said that. This wasn't meant to be related to that, but since it inherently is, I might as well include the fact that I am not among the target customers for this certain marketing ploy.

So there's this thing about love and attraction that never gets old. They outgrow themselves, transforming to either better or worse types, but it's all the same. I was reminded of that when I was reading Marla Miniano's Every Girl's Guide to Heartache and Every Girl's Guide to Boys. Congratulations to Marla for a successful release of the series, for her beautiful writing and wit.

You might be just as aware as I am that school hasn't exactly been a friend during my junior year so it's terribly hard to squeeze in reading time along with the enemy but last Sunday, I missed reading and grabbed the books which I thought could be finished within the same day from my lonesome stash. I read all sorts of books as long as they're not too heavy and as long they speak of some personal interest or curiosity.

I'll talk about one, and it's not going to be about Heartache because if you refer to number 35 of the previous post, you'll understand perfectly that I know nothing about it. At least when it comes to personal experience. I am then left with Boys. However, I am not going to talk about boys explicitly and their role in my life but about the book, and how it spoke of simple truths that go unnoticed.

Personally, I think it concretely portrayed the miniature tragedy that we don't really think about the things we want. You want it, you think about it, but it's all you think about. You don't think about what's gonna happen when it's actually there, because most of the wanted mosts are nothing but trouble. When you get it, it's heaven but it comes with a piece of hell. Some wishes are good enough to be problems. Take it from Chrissy and her two boy predicament.

It starts out with a girl worried about not having problems, which is absolutely absurd when you think about it, but that reminded me of myself. It's when nothing in your life happens. NOTHING. You don't get happy, you don't get sad, you're just in the middle ground where everything is plain, dull and boring. It's the second thing to breathing. You breathe and that's what happens, you breathe and keep on breathing. All you remember is the last breath you drew and all you look forward to is the next breath you'll be making. That's your life, my life, the most basic thing - breathing.

But yes, things happen. You breathe, but you choke. And that's where doing something about it is necessary. The girl screws up everything with OK cause sometimes you don't just say okay. People think the world will eventually work out its way out of its own mess naturally, but it's not the world's liability. The world never did anything to upset its order, we did, and its ours for the taking. You don't go with the currents because they don't always lead to where you want to be. You were meant to take control, you can be stronger than the waves if you choose to be.

And I am guilty, because sometimes I feel like I can't do anything so I impose power on someone else's life. I tell a friend to start walking away from the present that is not going to be any good for her, and just as the book says, we avoid judging by the cover, but we infringe horrible judgments on our closest friends. But I guess that's only because good friends have already exchanged permissions and it's not as dangerous because when judgment is wrong, they can easily disprove without grudges. The thing about judging people we barely know is that they're not there to counter your judgment. Nobody hears their say when people talk about them. But yes, friends or strangers, either way, it hurts. Sometimes, because it's true.

The part I loved most was the part where the words were taking their little steps towards the end because I found it most truthful yet unnoticed - that sometimes, you have to be slapped in the face when you've been acting so stupid, when everything you've been doing was wrong but you believed with all conviction that it was the perfect thing to do. And after that figurative slap, there comes your epiphany. There is your answer you've been aimlessly looking for. That the answer to your questions have always been there, which is the option you decided not to take.

The vibration of the pain you felt, it leads you to your conclusion.

37 Things About Me That Were Supposed To Be Just 25

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 13:20:08 GMT

I did this on Facebook over an hour ago because I was tagged 4 times. I could lie and say that that's the main reason why I did this, but the fact of the matter is, I like lists. And making them.

1. I’ve had my Yahoo! e-mail account since I was eleven years old and I wish I saved all my sent messages ever since but the closest I got was July of 2006. Upon consultation, I have learned that I’ve sent 685 e-mails in 2 and ½ years.
2. I’m a Yahoo! person. I don’t use Google except for its e-mail service. If I aim for honesty, I can’t ever say “Okay, I’ll Google it.”
3. It’s utterly impossible for me to live life without lists or notes. They are handy tools to get by with life, the reason for why I have taken a particular dependence on my phone's Notes program. This list wasn’t meant to be a chore.
4. I don't like stepping on rained on ground, most parts of which are muddy. The thought of my undersoles being really dirty troubles me. I wish there were a way to walk afloat. *
5. My mild OCD can have really intense episodes. It includes following existing formats and procedures in doing and arranging things. It can be very, very time consuming. *
6. Je regarde des emissions francais parce que je veux avoir leur accent. (I watch French tv shows with the hopes that I would eventually acquire their accent.) Even if I only understand about 3 words in a dialogue. They talk fast. *
7. I am very much aware of the urgency of things but still I choose to leave them hanging. *
8. I like checking my phone’s message log just to see how many texts I’ve sent and received. My phone’s birthday is the same as mine, it was 0 when I was 18. Sent = 1,796. Received = 2,565.
9. Tea over coffee! I don’t drink coffee, and I have tasted it only once or twice in my entire life. Whenever I go to coffee shops, I don’t order coffee. Starbucks won’t make profits on me.
10. I can’t cook to save my life. I don’t even know how to open the stove and the gas range.
11. Currently, I’ve been learning the ways of becoming a daredevil. I am absolutely sure that I can’t ever be one, but I have adopted a few tricks.
12. I grew up with my closest friends. I met most of them in grade 1 and I still have friends from kinder too. Even if I didn’t spend high school with them, we’re still as close as we started out to be.
13. Last year, I started the 101 things in 1,001 days. You list down 101 random goals that you should accomplish 1,001 days. Mine ends on December of 2010, but so far, I’ve only done 24.
14. I’m scared of people I don’t know. I get conscious. Don’t take that in the most literal sense, but take it as a fact.
15. Future, past and present. That’s how I have prioritized them. Most people who live in the now are carefree, happy-go-lucky and seldom anxious and I’m not one of them. I can’t help but think of goals and consequences.
16. I once dreamt of becoming a professional surfer (despite being afraid of the open water) because of the shirt my brother gave me. It says “Surf Chicks Rock.” I never got to wear it because we had to return it to the store and have it exchanged for another shirt because it was too small for me and they didn’t have another size for it.
17. I like getting letters, notes, postcards, whatevers. I like them handwritten; however, I also like getting letter e-mails.
18. The closest thing to a Hollywood star encounter was when I saw Robert Pattinson in NYC. Picture is crappy because out of hyperventilation, I forgot that there is such a thing as video.
19. I’d love to learn how to play the piano decently but I never got around to continuing having lessons because I don’t have time. Or that’s what I’d like to believe. Doing something else (with the exception of the computer) rather than accomplishing school requirements make me feel guilty. Piano and writing are two of my biggest frustrations in life.
20. I’m more scared of cockroaches than rats but both can make you deaf when I’m around to see one. The whole insect family scares me.
21. I terribly suck at Philippine geography. I don’t know which places are in the north, south, east or west; Mindanao, Luzon or Visayas. I blame it on not having a subject for that in grade school.
22. I’ve never been to a wedding.
23. I whine. A LOT. And worry, a lot more than a lot.
24. I believe that music saves lives.
25. I know some interesting people who probably know only one thing about me: that I exist. These are the people I’d love to be friends with, but unfortunately, we haven’t had a chance for formal introduction.
26. My books (non-school) are well taken cared of. I don’t like having folds on pages or having creases on the spines, a reason for why I don’t really lend my books. I once sold my book because it got popcorn stains on it. I also like having uniformity in books in terms of hardbound and paperback. I prefer paperback to hardbound because it’s cheaper and I can get more books with the money I have.
27. I’ve followed One Tree Hill ever since it was aired in the USA. Now it’s on season 6. Kat Dee gave me a copy of the first two episodes on VCD and from that day on, I’d like to believe it changed my life. Their stories, the writing and the music get to me. At the end of the episode, I almost always find myself affected. HAHA.
28. My name was supposed to be Marie Antoinette after my mother Maria and father Antonio but my grandmother’s sister decided against it because the queen of the same name was beheaded. I recently found out that her last words were, "Pardon me Sir, I meant not to do it," to a man whose foot she stepped on before she was executed by guillotine.
29. After three years in college, I have resolutely come to believe that this is not the perfect course for me. Before, I had thoughts of shifting but I thought it best to stay, but now, I’m completely fine with my course, but there’s something better. I’ve always wanted a career in Information Technology or Systems Management.
30. I can spend a whole day in a bookstore just looking around at books and not even reading one.
31. Two of my heavens on earth are Disneyland and Barnes and Noble. I have to visit all the Disneylands before I die.
32. I like young adult novels and children’s literature.
33. Aside from keeping a blog, I’ve kept a diary since 2001 (only skipped 2002). I make it a point to have an entry for each day so whenever I fail to write a day’s entry, I can’t write about the present day unless I recall and write something down for that day I missed.
34. I dream about having a library in my future house, books ideally arranged by color.
35. I’ve never been romantically in love.
36. I like scattering myself in cyberspace. I have accounts everywhere.
37. I am generally an unhappy person.

* Blogged about this before.

Profusion

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 15:12:34 GMT

Sometimes I feel like giving up altogether. I don't know how, but that's what it feels. Something happens and it's like all good things fade out of the view and all that's left is one big darkness closing on me. Vulnerable as I am, all I want to do is let that black hole whisk me right in and never bring me back. But obviously, I'm still here but that's only because I know there are no black holes on earth. Somehow someway, if I am not on death's watch yet, I'll wake up in the morning. In that moment of defeat, the idea of the morning redeems me, not because I think it will be a better morning, no. But the thought of quitting, and having to face everything I turned my back on in the morning just makes it poetry for idiocy.

Some People Sleep Easy

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 10:37:36 GMT

There was a time when I couldn't bear the thought of not making an entry within a week's stretch but those days have come and left, as I did with this blog. I came and left and wrote less and less until I wrote no longer. My presence here at the moment can be justified by a few things: 1) I feel sorry for myself because my emotions no longer translate to words and I used to be able to deal with them because I was able to pour them out in letters. Perhaps this means that I am currently stricken by more compelling feelings not easily transposed (which should be giving me all the more reasons to write) or perhaps I should end this delusion and start facing the ugly truth: that my life is this gaping blanket, its spread so vast and free but one big empty empty nothing. 2) I just want to have a new post, even if it meant sacrificing sense.

Make something happen. Some thingsss happen. Something s, anything s.

Oh why don't you just bring me to life.

Right Here, Waiting

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 10:32:37 GMT

As much as I have given up on one-liners long ago because I thought it didn't give off an air of appeal when I look back on it, I want to update this thing so bad that I just came here to exhibit how I frequently succumb to compulsive behavior.

There you go, thinking this will be an entry but unfortunately, it's not. It's just an apology, but more to myself, for not writing more when I feel like I want to.

HiHo

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:58:50 GMT

Hello, sorry I have been a waste of your friends list space. I think you have mistakenly added me with the hopes of getting another interesting read on your realm in LiveJournal but as proven by my frequent absences, senseless ramblings and typical yawn inducing entries, my blog is not worthy of a page view at all, most especially these days. I might have had better entries before (because having an entry is better than having nothing at all) and I don't know where thoughts put into writing went but these days I feel mute. I feel like I have a lot to say but I just can't seem to have enough desire to say it out loud. I want to be back, but because uncertainty gets the best of me, before I get back, I hope I was even actually there where I want to get back in.

If I don't get here before 2009 does, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I am truly hoping it gets better for all of us. There's nothing like the new year to feel like things can change the way you want them to.

2008, I loved you, but you broke my heart. I'm moving on.

Happy Holidays!

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 08:31:53 GMT

*Picture above is by cloughridge.

Nirvana

stuckinatrafficjam@gmail.com — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 05:12:06 GMT

Finally after 640 Plurks and 3 1/2 months, I have reached PLURK NIRVANA! Plurk Nirvana is achieved when your Karma reaches 81.00. I wish it were this easy to reach Nirvana in real life though. Haha. Just wanted to share the news.

So if you're not yet on Plurk, create an account here and watch my timeline! :) Click this!